It’s been a while since I’ve done a random thoughts post and I’ve got plenty of random thoughts in my mind.  I should warn you that I’m not feeling like censoring myself, so some of the words that are written may be more on the adult side. You have been warned…

• There are moments when I want to throw in the towel and run away.  Is that a bad thing to say out loud?  Does that make me a bad wife and mom?  The demands of my life sometimes catch up with me and knock me on my ass when I least expect it.  I’m having a moment.  I know it will pass, but I wish I wouldn’t have moments like this at all.
• I remember loving school as a child.  I was that kid you’d hate.  My hand was always in the air, wanting to be the first to answer the question.  I lived to get A’s on everything.  This has followed me into my adult life at work.  I’m still striving to do the best I can and it doesn’t always endear me with my peers.  Is this my problem or theirs?
• Speaking of school, I did well and the teachers always liked me.  I have discovered through parenting that there is a drastic difference in how a child is viewed/treated based on how much attention he/she needs in class.  I have a special needs child and while there are accommodations (speech therapy, occupational therapy), there are still 28 students in his class and how can his poor teacher give him everything he needs?  I express my concerns at the IEP meetings and I know that they are doing their best, but there are days when I feel like our school systems are just failing at this.  We’ve done a pendulum swing from the days when I was in school and there were actual classes for kids with special needs.  Now they want to mainstream everyone and provide special services a few times a month.  Well, I’m here to tell you that a few times a month ain’t doing the trick.  On top of that, some of the teachers don’t necessary understand that it takes my child longer to do things because of issues with his hands.  In my little dream world, I would be able to find a local school where his needs were the primary concern, but I know that such a place doesn’t exist unless I’m willing to spend a shit load of money each year.  So what’s the answer?  I’m not sure, but if you’ve got ideas, I’m willing to listen.  Seriously people, share your ideas.  Because I’m close to losing my mind on this one.
• Are any of you happy with yourselves when you look in the mirror?  I haven’t been for ages and the most annoying, fucking thing about it all, is that I know that I have the power to change what I don’t like.  Yet – something stops me every time.  It’s like I’m setting myself up for failure and I don’t know why I’m doing it.  Is another piece of cake really going to make me feel better about myself?  No.  But do I eat it anyway?  Yes.  Why?  I keep asking myself why.  There are times I think talking to someone might help, but I’ll be honest…I’m the first to snort at the idea of talking to a shrink.  I mean seriously…how is that supposed to work?  I sit there for 50 minutes, going on about my woes (which in reality are probably not so bad) and the whole time the shrink is probably thinking this woman is a loon.  Doesn’t she know about all the starving kids in Africa and the world at war?  Why is she wasting my time?  My mom (bless her heart) always wants me to talk about how I feel, but I’m wound up tight like my father.  I’m good at hiding what I’m really thinking and feeling and find it much easier to listen to others problems rather than discuss any of my own issues with other people.  That’s probably a sign of trust issues and I really shouldn’t be trying to self-diagnose myself at 12:38 AM, yet here I am.  Yet again unable to sleep because I’m wound up like that stupid little energizer bunny.  So…when you’ve felt a little blue or slightly out of control of your life, what’s worked for you?  Maybe I need one of those lights to emulate natural sunshine.  I saw some new gadget in the Reader’s Digest that I thought might be interesting where the light comes out of the ear buds.  Or should I try yoga and fail again.  My type A personality does me absolutely no favors in yoga.  As the rest of the class is lost in their deep breathing with their eyes closed, at peace with the world, I’m the one looking around the room wondering how much longer this stupid pose is going to last.  And seriously, how the fuck did that chick stretch her leg over her head like that? Impressive, but not something I’ll ever be doing.  So…therapy.  That can’t be the only answer to figure out why I’m so crazy, right? RIGHT?
• Not to be totally depressing, I leased a new Ford Escape Limited and am in love.  I never knew that ambient lighting could make a person so happy.  It’s only color, but it fills me with happiness to see purple light emulating in various spots in the vehicle.  Yeah, this makes me happy.  Go figure.  And I never knew that I needed a navigation system until I had one.  One more expensive option I’ll be requiring in new vehicles going forward.  My hubby will be shouting with not so much joy.
• Okay – I’ve gone on enough for one night.  And I think it might have actually helped to get this out of my system.  Perhaps writing more about how I feel would actually help how I feel.  Hmmm…only took until 1:00 AM to come up with that one.  Now, perhaps, I’ll actually be able to sleep.  So we’ll close this up with one of my kids favorite lullabye’s from when they were babies….

“Sleep baby sleep.  So cozy in your keep.  While mama shakes the dreamland tree, and pleasant dreams fall down for thee, sleep baby, sleep…”

Night All!